This is an actual conversation I had with one of my neighbors as I was walking last night.
Idiot Neighbor: Is that a dog? Me: No, it's a lion masquerading as a dog, and actually this here lion in disguise as a dog, is really a creature called a Goobie from Planet Nimrod. But, shhhh, don't tell anyone ok?
So, I'm supposed to be cleaning and dusting, vacuuming and polishing, washing and warberling...no wait, no warberling, that's for later. Anyway, I don't WANT to do any of those things. I WANT to sit here and drink my wine and clear my mind. But you see, I have company coming tomorrow, I've just found cob webs in my cabinet where I keep all the necessities of life (garlic triscuits, chips, bread for peanut butter and jelly sammiches, ramen noodles, etc, etc), I think cobwebs mean I have not had enough of the necessities and this will HAVE to change and soon. But when gas costs 3 zillion $ per gallon somethings gotta go the way side. Oh and I'm leaving tomorrow and not coming back until Monday afternoon. This means I will not have time to follow my normally scheduled drudgery. I am off to the lake, swimming, boats, 3 wheelers, motorcycles, and fun for a change. Right now I'm wondering what one takes to the lake, a swim suit obviously, but what else? I am not a lake person but now dating a person who is. And dating is that really the right word? I'm not sure yet.
So, I have baseball, politics and getting the hell out of dodge on my mind tonight. Both candidates reek of desperation. I don't like either of them and am sorely disappointed that out of millions of people this is the best we get. Baseball because my team is actually winning this year. I can't say more as I am terribly superstitious that it might all change if I brag about it. So just once: GO CUBBIES!!!! Can you sense the desperation?
While, I'm still tending bar here, I just wanted to thank Miss Foolery for stopping in for an ale, I'm sure glad she found her way here. And thank you too if you have found your way here...and apologies to all in advance.
I noticed something last weekend when I was getting my Chinese food from the little strip mall that's been there since the dawn of time and I keep forgetting to mention it. Since I'm sitting here waiting for Hot teacher to call and finalize the wedding plans, I thought I could mention it now.
There is a Mexican clothing boutique around the corner from the Chinese place ( we're really international here in Tulsy town) anyway, I first noticed all the really beautiful, brightly colored dresses, then I noticed how big all the mannequins in the window were. I wondered where the proprietors of this shop had managed to find them. I concluded they came from Mexico where women are still allowed to have curves. I might go in there sometime as I have curves (yes, this might be a nice way of saying I carry a little weight or maybe not, you'll never know) I'm thinking I might actually find a pair of jeans that fit in this little shop. That would be lovely.
So not really, Hot teacher who will (maybe, I say maybe because I like this moniker and he is hot) now and forever be called by his name, which is Gil, Gil, is not calling to finalize wedding plans, we just met a month ago and just had our first date last Sunday. I'm crazy cool, but more cool than crazy, if ya know what I mean. He's actually calling to finalize our lunch plans for tomorrow. Although, I am not opposed to marrying him, now, right now and I have had a sever allergic reaction to anything that might remotely have to do with marriage, for the last 14 years. My friend Jen, is always sending me pictures of wedding cakes, dresses, place to get married....she wasn't even getting married and looking at dresses. WTF? I'm happy to report she is now engaged and she is in her own words, just today, STUPENDOUS. I had doubts about her future husband, but now I am simply just happy for her. I think this might be the first time in 7 years that she and I have both been happy at the same time.
My oldest son, who is named Zacary (see, I told you trendy and misspelled i blame it on the morphine) just came and told me he was down to 244lbs. Now this might seem a lot to some of you but since Trendy Misspelled was one topping the scales at almost 300, it is really quite a triumph for him. TM has just gotten his second real girl friend and he is almost 20 years old. Her name is Jasmine, which is what I wanted to name my daughter. Things are good in TM's world.
What else am I musing about? I'll tell you oompa loompas. Yep, that's it. Gil and I have a mutual acquaintance. He had not seen her in a while and about the same time I was saying she looks like an OL, he was asking if she still looked like an OL. Sad and mean I know, but if you knew this person and the hatefulness that pores out of her orange skin, you would totally understand.
Well, I've gotta go see a man about a horse, so ya'll kick back, have a drink or a dilly bar and I'll see ya on the flip side.
Me: So, Hot teacher is feeling awkward about this whole thing. Wyatt: What? Me: you know awkward about dating your mama Wyatt: Haven't we been through this before? Me: Yes, but that was me feeling awkward and he used to be a fireman Wyatt: Oh Me: So? Wyatt: yeah, it's cool. As long as everyone's happy , it's all good. Me: I'm happy Wyatt: so is he Me: Ahh really? Wyatt: Word, can I go now?
Phone conversation with hot teacher
HT, hello? Me: Hi HT: What are you doing? Me: pouring a glass of wine, what are you doing? HT: I'm at Wal-mart Me: I'm sorry HT: is everything ok? Me: yes, if I was any more perfect, I'd be a statue HT: What does that mean? Me: Did I tell you I was drinking wine? HT: Yes, do you think that's really a good idea after the whips* last night? You aren't making any sense. Me: Call me later when you've departed hell. HT: Ok, you sure you'll be conscience? Me: Will you marry me? HT: Not tonight, maybe tomorrow. Me: You can't marry me tonight anyway, I'm a statue. HT: Oh boy, I'll call you later, stay awake, don't lapse into a coma. Me: If I do, will you give me mouth to mouth? HT: I have to go, I'll call you later to discuss our wedding plans
*Whips: whiskey mixed with pepsi. yeah, I know, sounds like a bad idea even on a good day.
It's been a while since I tended the bar here, I wonder if any one was filling in? I don't think so. Although my good friend Alias Liz did stop by and say hello. Hope someone filled your glass Liz.
See there were so many happenings this week, that I was just exhausted. First, I'd won, then I hadn't won, then I won again and then I hadn't won. It was a roller coaster ride of conflicting emotions. My kids would call it Psycho emo. Perhaps. It actually was just a glitch in the cyberspace- time continuum.
Somewhere, sometime in my emo madness, I decided in the words of the great smashing pumpkins, I would be some body's fool this year. So, I just flat out told hot teacher that I was making excuses about welding to call him, but that it was true I knew nothing of welding or welding supplies. I told him this yesterday. I gave him my phone number. His response was to give me his phone number and told me to call him. What? No, I might be old fashion but I still think boys should call girls. He also makes me a little tongue tied. Normally, I could chew a person's ear off with no problem, but he freezes my brain so to speak, but hey I've already made a fool of myself, so I guess game on. He's also emailed 5 or 6 times since playing the fool. Normally, this would aggravate the hell's fire out of me, but nope, not this time. I like it. I take it as a sign that he might be willing to be a fool too and quite honestly, I needed the attention. The ex nearly stripped away any confidence I had. I know a person can only make you feel inferior if you allow them too, but sometimes you can't help but allow it. Not anymore though, enough of him and his bad vibes. He can just go to hell-mart for all I care.
I'm closing up shop for now. Thanks for stopping by and have a round on the house.
Love, Cow punk
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Hey, howdy, yep, I'm sposed to be a polishin' but I just remembered I forgot to mention Mr. Goshorn. He stopped by last week to educate me, Goshorn is pronounced Goss-horn. Thank you so much dear, my brain is now a little less confused.
I relented and took my daughter the princess, shopping yesterday. Our first stop was Ross Dept. Store. Oh how I love thee, let me count the ways. 5 ts for her under 7 bucks and 1 lamp shade for me under 6$ Hellmart has the same one for 10$ This one is actually nicer, cloth instead of cardboard. Suck my toe Devil.
Then it was over to the mall, narrowing escaping Old Navy...whew. Little did I know of the horrors that were in front of me.
Walking through the mall, I wondered how in the world so many parents had become zombie clones of their children? This is wrong to me on so many levels. Parents are supposed to be the example. Parents are supposed to teach the children manners, common sense, good judgement, human decency. Adults are here to lead, not to follow. I am not a perfect parent by far, but I do not feel the need to be my teenage children's peer/friend. I prefer to be their Mother and guide.
Zombie moms please remember what has been seen, can not be unseen. Please pull up your jeans and if you must wear that little t-shirt, head on over to Penny's and invest in a good bra. They are usually 2 for 1. Love, the living
We were out of the mall very quickly. She knew where she wanted to go, got a ten$ off coupon if you tried on jeans...bingo! It all ended quickly and mostly painless. I'd just like to give a "shout out" to "Steph, the sunpac clerk" she was awesome, at least that's what she said.
We then headed to Academy for tennis shoes. We were looking at them at the mall, when Jordan woke up and announced they were 20$ cheaper at Academy. She immediately went back into trance right after. Jordan reminds me of a coo coo clock. Anyway, it was enough to convince me. The sports store was better in the regard to parents. No one was southern fried zombied. My faith was somewhat restored. It was restored enough to forget about it and go into complete shock that someone would spend 48$ on 9 pairs of sports booties for a teenage girl. Even if I could afford to do that, I would not. The six pack at Hellmart for 5.99$ will do just fine for the likes of us. The dog's just going to carry it off in his mouth anyway.
Academy also gave me the chance to look at Hammocks. Thank goodness for Coo-coo clocks. I'm going to have a hammock some day, hanging between the big Elms. I'll lay in it facing my garden, all will be right with the world, at least for awhile.
The bank sent me a letter informing me I had one last car payment, thank you for all that interest you paid us, it was a pleasure screwing you letter on Thursday. I was so happy, I cried. I celebrated with an 11$ bottle of wine and Chinese food. Now, it's off to figure out how that extra money will be used. Mostly towards my house....I can't wait to pay it off, or at least get the payment down a bit. No PMI, sure would be a lovely thing. Then I can start saving for the El Camino that I'm going to drive off into the sunset in. When we do finally drive off together, he'll be all mine.
Thanks for stoppin by the ol' place. I've got to lay a coat of wax on this old bar now, let me know if you need anything, I'll just be right over there.
Hot for teacher. I can't this damn song out of my head.
I drove around Jen's neighborhood for 45 minutes and never found her house.
No really, so you see the problem, right? Damn, I had a card and everything, now if I only had a brain. I think she ditched me anyway. She was probably going to spend money. She's fabulous at it.
I was smart enough to make it to the movie theater and find SGFChristine. We had a bite to eat, it was a lovely time. The Batman (it is stressed in the movie that he is THE Batman) is a good movie. Christian Bale is nice eye candy, but he does speak strangely with that mask on. Heath Ledger is really brilliant. Yes, lots of hype surrounds him, but he shines for the last time. It's a dark, violent movie, but I liked it. I cheered at the end, I was the only one.
I did talk to Mr. Moore, yes, his name is Mr. Moore. I find it deliciously ironic. We talked about my son mostly. He did say I could call him anytime, for any reason. I think I'll call him and tell him I'm hungry. I gave him my home number and told him to call me for any reason. But unless, he's calling about Son, is that really ethical? It would be a nice change to see a teacher dating the parent instead of the student.
I did ask how big a truck I would need for the cactus, he danced around it. I guess he didn't think I took many things seriously.
The soul eating frenzy of High School starts in 1 day. It's my daughter's first year and my son's 1st year of Sr. High. This should be fun.
I'm going to keep it short since I rambled so long Saturday. It was the excitement of Olympic Ribbon Twirling, I must confess.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
You might've noticed the name of the joint changed, it's the same old red room but a little friendlier. Hello instead of goodbye, Come on in, put your feet up and stay awhile.
I head over to visit the girls at go fug yourself every day. They make my day somewhat more tolerable. So this morning, I noticed they had a new post entitled, your fugment of Zen. I can always use a little zen, so I clicked. The girls were lavishing their delicious fug praise upon Courtney Peldon's brand of fugly. Courtney Peldon is a childhood actress, whom I believe did mostly lifetime movies. Being that it's early and I'm somewhat fuzzy, I unwittingly click on the below movie. While I think CPel gives a fine performance I am stunned, STUNNNNNED at Swoozie Kurtz's amazing performance. This movie is a train wreck, you don't want to look, but you just can't seem to stop. It hypnotizes you, and paralyzes you, you know it's wrong, but you can't help yourself. I had fond thoughts of Miss Swoozie until now. She did appear in one of my favorite movies, Bubble Boy.
Wasn't Swoozie terrifyingly stunning? You made need some of this
and a little eye candy will make ya good as new.
Well, I guess I'll return to my pleasant thoughts of Swooze, she did lead me to thinking of Jake. I rarely think of him, but he is a cutie pie and I wouldn't kick him out of my kitchen.
I've recently bounded out a rabbit hole. I think it was Thursday I bounded, I had to come out. Wyatt had orientation at Tech, and it was very important for Wyatt's future that we go. See, Wyatt's got his life planned out already at 17, I am so proud of him, he is such a good kid. I want to keep him on the right track until he gets there.
So, I dressed nicely that morning, well, nicely for a saloon girl. I actually was going to go in a t-shirt and jeans because I had new sneakers, silver, blue, Judy Jetson like shoes. But, at the last minute, I changed my mind. Anyway, we got there late, the little glass classroom was full and so I just meandered around the shop area, not paying attention to the teacher. Imagine that.
In the shop area, there was a giant welded cactus. Like a magnet, I was drawn to it. I'm still unsure of my feelings for it. It was at this time I noticed , it was very hot in there, so I pulled out, ironically enough, a Dwight Yoakam CD, to use as a fan. Usually, I'm Dwight's fan and he's having the opposite effect on me.
All of the sudden, I remember I'm supposed to be listening to someone, so I look up at that someone and he took my breath away. I had all but forgotten what a beautiful feeling that is. I think though, it complicates things that he is my son's instructor. What do you think? By the way, he gave me the cactus, if I could move it. I'm not sure what I would do with an 8 foot, ton weighing, rusty, metal cactus, but I'm sure I could find a place for it here at the saloon.
The future's lookin so bright that I gotta wear shades. yes, I shamelessly stole that. Today, I get to spend time with two of my soul sisters. I haven't seen either in a long time. I'm very happy to see them both and as a bonus, I'm going to see the Dark Knight with my stupid girlfriend Christine, she is neither stupid or named Christine...discuss. And even though Gotham will be dark and sinister, I'm looking forward to going somewhere else for a while.
If you got this far, thanks for letting me ramble on, I do appreciate it. Have a wonderful, peace and love filled weekend.
AliasLiz, this is for you...........perhaps I will someday have my own Arlis.......with that said, AliasLiz had been gracious enough to pop my comments cherry after suggesting I might be slightly "cracker" brained. i love you Juggernaut, you are my heroine. Actually, she suggested she might be cracker brained but it has been discovered, I'm the one. The point is, if you should meander through, please say hey, howdy, they found water on the moon, I've been here or you have comments about Donnie Osmond. I also love you DY. You are my hero.
I have just come in from sitting on my very own porch (yes, the one I have trouble paying for on time), where I observed 3 wood moths having a threesome...if I had not had a threesome of my own with the Crown Royal I would write a fancy french word, but well, you know. I also observed 2 teenaged children walking about my porch asking for donations for their college fund/church. I had to turn them away as I had spent all my money on the afore mentioned whiskey. I felt bad, really, I did, I hope they couldn't smell the hooch on my breath, but I did send them away with a cool, refreshing drink of......
Water, people.
Before I was so rudely interrupted by the moths and children, I was thinking of the rationality of my day or really the irrationality of my day. You see, I put my name in the fish bowel to meet my obsession au jour, in Colorado. What? I have no plans to go to Colorado any time soon. But if I won the lottery, you can bet your spurs I would go on a moments notice........which is about what a person can expect from the man I call sugababy. Yes, sexiest cowboy walking the planet earth (you know who you are), this is you, should you ever wander through my little world. Now, I have had many obsessions through out my life, starting with Donnie Osmond. Please don't hold this against me.....I was 7, I didn't know any better and Donnie was so cute. Personally, I think he's still just a cutie pie. The next obsession I can remember through the haze of my life is Robin Zander. I was lucky enough to meet Robin, he saved me from certain debauchery.....ok not, I totally made that up....I would've never slept with him. After Robin, memories are fuzzy, Nikki Sixx perhaps? Ah yes, Nikki said I had the looks to kill......then the next one is
Which I will add, goes on to this day. I love this man. I will love him until they cremate me. I once dreamed he was my husband before his name was known to me. He and I recently shared a "moment". We gave each other the universal head bangers, "I love you man" sign. It is a moment I shall cherish forever.
Ok, so I've gotten lost thinking of all these crushes. I think the point is, do you really want to meet your fantasy? I don't think I do. I adore him. I wouldn't want that to end. He is the proverbial cat's pajamas for me. He's taken my heart from shattered to broken to only slightly cracked, shown me the ex is an ass who is not worth the scum on the bottom of my shoes and still loves me and wants me back, cured my insomnia, sings me to sleep every night, given me pearl snaps, red cowboy boots and wife beaters. He's made me sassy and beautiful again despite what the neighbors think. No, I think I will remove my name from the lottery and hope fate will intervene.
Saturday morning, already August, it's strangely quiet in the house I have trouble paying on time for. I'm enjoying the strangeness as later I will have to go face my little world at a shopping mall, more specifically Hot Topic. I have a love-hate affair going on with this little slice of hell. When I walk through the doors of said slice, the 80's come alive, color, shape and cheeziness run amok. It's a time warp for me. It takes me back through my life basically. I'm blissfully happy for about 5 minutes. This is how long it takes me to run the 25 yard dash back to reality. In five minutes time, I've been run into, possibly shoved, stepped on, and surrounded by teenage boys just "standing there" enchanted with the beauty that is a a music icon T-shirt. I wouldn't be bothered by this, because I too am enchanted, it's the only reason I agree to go there. I just wish they weren't so rude. Yes, I know they are hormonally challenged idiots, but really, please a little human decency is all I'm asking for. Where is all this leading....it's tax holiday weekend, meaning it's back to school shopping day, joy to the world. I only have one kid to buy for as my daughter decided she would rather go to the lake. I told her if we didn't shop today, we would not be shopping at all. The problem is, I totally understand her decision. She is like me and doesn't like to shop. The lake and friends is so much more appealing. She's a get what you came for and let's go kind of girl, unless she takes a notion. We'll shop later after school starts....yes, I will give in.
So, it will be just my 17 yo son and I for the day. It will be fairly quick and painless. He wants t-shirts and shoes. Hot Topic here we come! Then Wal-mart, yes, I have to visit purgatory today. Underwear and socks, school supplies, no tax...yep, it's unavoidable.... but having survived purgatory and mall hell, we'll celebrate with a Pepsi and gum from QT. We'll head home, call it an awesome day, then head our separate ways. Son will have a smile and I will be a little poorer. The smile will make it all worthwhile.
Well, the strangeness has become well, just strange now, so I'm off to shower and face the madness. Peace out.
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